I just meditated. It was werid. I felt heavy, didn’t feel like moving and my body felt like it was pulsing… is that what meditation is?
I used to love reading about Christianity. I loved talking about it, answering questions, ignoring fallacies. I know a great deal. At least I think I do. I loved it. I realize how safe it was for me. It was my default religion. Jehovah was a default god. I knew a lot, I even cried at the altar a few times. But now it’s so far from me. I miss the certainty I had in it. I miss not questioning things. Jesus is God, God is the Holy Sprit. The Holy Sprit is Jesus.
Things that made no sense were said to be to big for us to understand. Now, I do believe there are many things that we could not begin to know, but I hated the fact that we’d never no. We’re separate from god. Our destiny to serve him, to be apart from the unchanging unfathomable all mighty God. A god of war, rain, love.
I’m making no sense. I digress. But I do miss the certainty the unwavering confidence in it. I don’t miss the hate and animosity it instilled in me against people I didn’t know. Against wars that didn’t exist. Against the world that only wanted my conversion to the dark side!
It’s funny though. The world for the most part don’t care if you join their beliefs. We did though. So we projected. Haha.
This may sound bad, I don’t hate Christianity at all. I didn’t have a dramatic break from it(not that dramatic anyway). I just kinda glided along. It’s a fantastic religion that has helped a lot of people, saved a lot of people and comforted a lot of people. But I guess it just wasn’t for me.
“People want to run away from where they are to go find Jerusalem- as if elsewhere they will find perfection… Where ever you are, what ever you are doing there make that a Jerusalem” -Lubavitcher Rebb
I found this quote in the book Spirituality for Dummies at a time when I wanted to just leave. Life was so irritating, I didn’t feel like I could make the situation work for me. I felt like, if I could just leave, I wouldn’t be so unhappy. Anywhere but here.
But really, what kind of mentality is that? So you go to live in a beautiful city filled with everything you ever wanted, but what happen when something goes wrong, what do you do then? Move again? Keep rearranging your surroundings at every moment in hopes of happiness? What if you can’t leave, what if you’re stuck? Then you get to be unhappy and depressed where’s the happiness in that?
I can’t say that I love my life right now, but I can say that I’m trying to make the best out of it.
You have to accept life as it is, make something sweet out of your situation. Make this, make now, a Jerusalem.
I’m on my phone far too much. I don’t even know what I’m doing on it that’s so darned important, that I need to check it as soon as I wake up.
Haha, well lucky for me, the android market place has a few Buddhist Text(most to the tune of 99c). I’m currently reading one called “Buddha, The Word” by Nyanatiloka. It was written a while back apperantly, but it’s pretty interesting. The writer was one of the first white monks(says wikipediea), I think he was of the Theravada Tradition. But anywho, it talks mainly about the four noble truths and the eight precepts. I’m not done reading it yet, but I like it so far.
Be compassionate to all things. Do bugs count? I suppose they do, but dammit they’re pests! All they do is get into all your wheat based goods, then you have to sift through it and pick out all the bugs bah. We had to clean the whole pantry out today.
How can you be compassionate towards that?